This I know is true:

1. everyone is broken
2. everyone has a story
3. nobody has it all together
4. nobody has the perfect life

How many times have you met someone who just seemed to have it all together…attractive, great personality, nice car, perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect children…only to find out later that they struggle with depression or sex or addiction or divorce or bankruptcy or abuse or…fill in the blank. Everyone has a struggle.

My story is long and my struggles many. The dark places come up when I’m alone…vulnerable and without the convenience of distraction. I want love. I want to love. I worry. I cry. I hide it from you. I do my work. I’m imperfect. If I’m going to create a space where people come to worship…seeking God and God’s people and God’s love…I have to know who I am. I have to know that the place I’m coming from is true. I owe that to God. I owe that to you. 

Letting go of my fear and attachments to what you will think about the space you walk into on Sunday morning is critical for me to stay true to myself and my calling. I create to please God, not to please you. If I’m holding energy and attachment around what you will think or if you will be moved or if you will see or find God...I’m giving my power to you for you to decide who and what I am. If you don’t like Journey, you don’t like me. If you don’t like the colors, I’m a failure. If it looks stupid, I’m so dumb. If you’re unhappy, I am such a loser. The message I hear is the message I allow myself to create out of the fear and attachment I’m holding. I have to let go and trust and know it is good.

I know that I’m pretty good at screwing up just about everything I just talked about in that last paragraph. I own it. I do that…and often. I also know that I have full control of my universe...not yours or his or hers…but mine. When I became aware of how my fear and attachments control me and therefore the world around me…I came awake to the possibility of me being able to call things in…into my life…bad things AND good things. I started calling in the things I wanted…instead of complaining about the things I had. For example, I found that my energy toward worship was going off the rails. I was bitching and complaining because the worship team was telling me what to do and I felt like they were sucking all the fun and creativity right out of it. The truth is, I was calling it in…I was sucking all the fun and creativity out of it…out of me. I was the one telling myself I couldn’t be creative. I was the one calling in the energy of the “I can’t” and the “this sucks.” So, I realized that I was calling it in…and with that realization alone, change came. I began calling in positive energy by letting go of my attachment to blaming my problems and my wants and my creativity on the worship team. I let it go and gave myself permission to be creative again. It worked. I said yes. I called it in.

I’m just a guy trying to follow Jesus. I don’t have the answers. I love you. That’s it.

Parts 1 & 2 of “Creating” are really all about getting “me”…my ego, shadow, wounds, out of the way so there is space for God to work. If I don’t make space for God…I’m stuck and ****ed…a place I’m all too familiar with. So, I pray and clear my mind of all things consuming me…bills, mortgage, work, boss, mother in-law, worry, fear and anger…and open myself up to God and say “Okay, God, tell me what to do.” This is where things get a bit messy. I may not like what God is showing me. I may see things differently. I might push back. I might not see anything at all. I might see more than I expected. I might be shown a mirror…usually indicating I’ve failed to fully clear my mind of my own struggles and worries or judgments. Either way, God is speaking to me…and it’s not like God speaks and I take notes…it’s fuzzy and I have to feel into my gut to know what’s true and what’s just me.

When I’m at the warehouse, and once God’s light has been shed on what that night’s worship creation might look like, it’s time to get started. If I’m just sitting there thinking, I’m probably not listening to anything other than myself “thinking.” So, “Doing” is where the magic happens. Movement is where God steps in and takes over and uses the body as a tool for whatever creation God wants. My friend Matthew modeled this for me so, so many times. He just flows with what he feels and amazing and magical creations are born…he makes it look easy…and yes, that’s annoying. I, on the other hand, spend more time in the struggle…listening and fighting and feeling and questioning before my body starts to move. I think about people’s safety and if this creation will be dangerous to the people coming to worship or the building we worship in…because my wife is physically challenged / handicapped…and I don’t want her or anyone else tripping or getting hurt in any way…but I have to be careful to not let that get in the way…it’s just another worry, right? One tool I use to help me get centered or distracted enough from my own worries is music. Music brings me out of my adult and into my child…that place where it’s safe…and fun. Having fun while I create…it’s when I know God’s in it. God may, and often does, speak to me through the music…and this freaks me out, btw.

Journey is different than most churches in that I/we don’t need permission to do something. If God is calling me to move a truck into the center of the worship space…well, I just do it. The boss is God…not Rick. I don’t think too many people understand or believe this truth about Journey. And, if a church has to give you permission to follow God…well, you’re screwed and might want to think about finding another church…or just get over yourself and stop waiting for someone to give you permission to be the child of God you are. If you believe in yourself, then you believe in God…I’m not sure it works the other way around. I know a lot of people who believe in God but can’t get past their own fears in order to move fully into what God is calling them into. I have a deep sadness for people who have been told by The Church that they can’t do something without the blessing of the church or its leaders…that lie makes me want to vomit. So, be free in the child of God you are…fight for your freedom to live the life you were born to live…laugh when you want to…cry when you feel like it…and call bull**** on bull**** …and let them crucify you…cuz they will…and you’ll live. 

Okay, sorry…got caught up in some old wounds there…my bad. So, let’s talk about how to create…ready? I got nothin’…seriously, I can’t create for you…can’t tell you how to do it or what to use…but I can tell you that the only thing keeping you from creating is you. If you see it or feel it…you can create it…and it doesn’t have to look like you think. Sometimes an image of God flowing into the world with love and grace looks like a toilet being flushed…representing God removing the wounds and fear we carry like a shield to protect our hearts. It most often, or always, looks different than I think or expect. So go for it…just do it…get your Nikes on and run, Forrest!

Now it sounds like I’m joking, but I’m not. If you are feeling called to get in touch with your creative side…all you have to do is do it. Take that first step and trust in something greater than yourself. You’ll be okay…you’ll be better than okay…you’ll be alive…and that’s good…right?

Being a child again is the best way I can describe what it feels and looks like to create. I have to go WAY back to before I found out that the world was not safe…before I became afraid of doing something stupid or wrong.

I had three older brothers who worked hard to make sure I understood that everything I did was inadequate. I was “the baby of the family”…a punching bag…reminded daily that I was stupid and weak. It didn’t take long for me to learn that if I wanted to feel safe, I would have to be alone. So, I would walk for miles into the desert behind our home in El Paso…following lizard trails in the sand and exploring the different colors and textures of the desert. I think that’s when I first began to fully appreciate the beauty and mystery of nature…and the ugliness and pain of man.

I mention “pain” a lot in this series. I guess that’s because I am in my pain when I create…reaching to touch it some way with the tender hand of God through an image or scene or color or shade or smell. There’s Joy as well…that’s the actual place I’m hoping I’ll get to by going there. I’m not as afraid to go into the dark places in my soul…because today, I know what’s on the other side…what my truth is.

So, creating the space for worship at Journey starts with me reading the worship order that was put together by the worship team earlier in the week. I try not to read the order too early in the week…it’s no fun to have a plan. In fact, having a plan is the best way for this man to destroy any hope of creating something meaningful or moving for the people coming to worship on Sunday morning. So I usually look at it during the day on Saturday in case the worship team has something specific they want and a stop over at Home Depot is needed before I head to the warehouse. Other than a quick look, I don’t begin to feel into creating the space until I unlock the door at the warehouse. Now sometimes, the worship team is feeling creative and they will describe the design of the space in great detail. This, for lack of a better word, sucks. The one thing I cannot resist is following a to-do-list. If the worship team provides a to-do-list of their creative thoughts…I will follow it…and I will hate it. Not because their vision is wrong…but because I’m choosing to no longer have this connection with God to how it will look. It’s right there on paper…all I have to do is do it. And, that’s not much fun for this man…so on those nights I grind my teeth and cuss and sigh and go through the motions and get it done and go home and sleep like crap and wake up and reluctantly head back to the warehouse and drag my ass out of the car and send the kids off to bible study while I sulk and limp into Rick’s thing and then into worship thinking how suck-ass it’s going to be and every damn time it’s an amazing experience and the service didn’t suck and the design of the space felt right and God felt in it and it was beautiful.

What’s the moral of this story? Here’s a list, in no particular order, of my rules around creative worship: 

1. It’s not about me.
2. Pray and listen.
3. If it doesn’t go according to plan, it’s okay.
4. Don’t burn the place down.

It is clear to this man that the worship team can hear God just as well as I can…or better. So, if I’m unhappy with the worship team because they’re taking all the creativeness and fun out of “my” time in preparing the warehouse for worship…then that’s about me…not them. God is in it…no matter what. Tomorrow I’ll talk about what comes after…all of the above.

It was easy for me to fully embrace God in worship when I was an early believer. I had just come up out of the ditch and was really feeling the Love and I was broken and open and a spiritual sponge and completely clueless to how hard it would actually be to follow Jesus.

Today, for me, it takes intention and energy and calming of breath to create a place and space where I can fully be in worship…and it’s often not on Sunday mornings during worship time…yep, I said that. My worship time is in the praying and listening and struggling and creating the space and being in community with people doing the same. There was a moment during this year’s prayer vigil setup when I stepped back and just watched the men and women working on creating the prayer space…planting flowers, pushing dirt, arranging rocks…and in that moment, I felt God’s breath…I turned to Ricky and said; “THIS is the Kingdom of Heaven…right here.” He didn’t argue…he could see these beautiful children of God following their calling and giving their gift and stretching and stepping into their fears and feeling into their creativity and God was in it and it changed me…forever.

I have a creative teacher…I call him Matthew. He’s actually annoying…mostly because he can create just about anything out of nothing. Many days I hate that man and the mirror he is for me, showing me potential…teaching the gift…taking minutes to create what takes me hours. I pray he knows how important he has been in helping me to believe in my self and my ability to create anything that I can possibly imagine. My tears flow as I type this…I just don’t think he has a clue to the influence he has had on my creativeness and my desire to create…or how much I love him…or how jealous I am of his ability…or how I see God in him. And, I’d tell him how I feel, but I really don’t want to feed his ego…or let him know that I worship the creative ground he walks on.

I see this God Thread…in Matthew…the Prayer Vigil…the worship team…this community we call Journey. The God Thread is where I truly feel compelled to worship…God’s movement among us. The God Thread connects everything…it flows and weaves through the worship team as they pray and listen and select scripture and music and images and poems and stories and it follows them home and enters into relationship with their families and it shows up on Saturday night and Sunday morning and it’s pouring out the tips of our fingers and into the art that is created and being created and the people who come to worship get tangled up in it and it sticks to them and they carry it outside where the sun warms it and the humidity dampens it as it leaves our site and shows itself here and there and just when we think the thread is gone it reappears to love and feed and comfort and nurture the broken before moving and circling back to this place where old and new and different people join in while the thread grows long and light and flowing before its weave and stitch send it out and back for all of us to see again…or for the very first time.

This is really about prayer…as this important aspect of creating the worship space at Journey is where I struggle and wrestle with God the most. I usually have a way I want things to go and God does not always agree with my wants. This is upsetting, by the way. It’s basically me asking God to show me what it looks like and me fighting every thought and vision given to me.

One of my close friends was helping me with worship setup a couple weeks back…and I had asked her if she would work on this one element of the worship space that needed attention. She said “yes” (first step) so I gave her the details around what we were doing and how this and that represent God flowing in us and out of us and into the world and left her with full creative control as to what it looked like and then said “go for it!” Well, she said “okay”...but then her face changed…her lips pushed out…eye brows dropped…the motor was running...and off she went. Now, I was excited to see what she came up with because she is so in tune with God and Journey and the theme and the flow…I mean, she just gets it. Anyway, some time goes by and I notice she still has that deep thought look on her face and now her hands are in her hair and I can tell she’s really getting tired. I suggest she get out of her head and feel into it and let God show it. She gave me a look…a look I often see after I say something stupid. She moves away and toward the back of the warehouse as I yell “Just look for something…God will show it to you!” I didn’t actually see it, but I’m pretty sure she flipped me off. So, I continue doing my thing and time goes by and I’m in the groove and suddenly, I jump and almost fall off the ladder as she screams “IT’S THE $&#@ING CHAIR! I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT IT’S THE $&@#ING CHAIR!” Now, this made me laugh…because this is exactly how it goes time and time again when I struggle and struggle and finally give up and God shows me this thing and it’s stupid and not what I was looking for but I know it’s what I’m supposed to do and now I’m seeing it happen to her and she had the same response I usually have which is to cuss and laugh…and sometimes, cry.

The chair is not the story…it’s just an old wooden chair. The story is around the struggle between the creative and the creator. It’s about my friend getting out of her head long enough to allow something magical to happen…then knowing and trusting that “it” is good and with purpose and power, even if it’s just a stupid old wooden chair. The struggle is in refusing what is already ours…this thing we cannot see or touch or smell that is our creativity. My want is for everyone to explore and struggle and learn and nurture their creative energy. The struggle will happen, no matter what…don’t fight it…and don’t flip me off...unless necessary.

Stepping in…into one’s inner soul where beauty and wisdom rest, awaiting mind and culture stepping aside. This is the scary place…the place where I have to choose to embrace the calling or back away where it’s familiar and safe. I’m not really sure I’ve ever stepped fully into my own calling…that may not even be possible…it’s been so fluid and flowing and wild and not something to contain or control…and yes, I’ve tried. 

She said to me, “But Steve, I’m not creative.” Now, this is a sure way to piss me off and have me calling bull**** all over you…and I’ve heard it over and over from beautiful people who have this sense in their soul that their supposed to be there helping instead of doing. My anger in that comes from the mirror this is for me…the reminder of who I was and what I was afraid of and the lie I bought into…and to hear someone resist this gift brings up everything I hate in myself around my fear of stepping into something new. So, don’t give me that crap and you and I and God will all get along just fine. Well, not exactly…because what I’m inviting you into is messy. You’ll have to pray…like, for real? You’ll have to listen…What? You’ll have to make sense of it…Good luck with that! You’ll have to trust it will be okay…Time for your meds! But before all of that, you’ll have to take that first step and maybe or maybe not so simply say…Yes!

Creating the space we worship in at Journey is where I find God. Not because it’s at the warehouse and that’s where God hangs out…but because kissing my girls goodnight and getting into the car is the first step into that relationship with God where I find peace and struggle and anger and joy and God works on me late into the night by pushing my mind out of the way and destroying my fears and laughing at and with me as I struggle to let go and embrace what it is God wants it to look and smell and even taste like for the people who will gather in worship or in fear or in joy or in shadow or in prayer or in whatever place or state they’re in when they roll into the warehouse for the first or one hundredth time because they want to or because they need to or because they’re lost or solid or good or golden or screwed or okay or just doing what momma told them and when I’m in care of this thing that has been entrusted to me and God is in it and people come and join in and create and feel into it and it becomes about everyone and everything and life and love and beauty and pain and joy and I see that all of it is God working through all of us and out into the people who will carry it out into the world they live in and love and change might happen and all I had to do to be part of this amazing and beautiful miracle was to say yes…and step into it.

Sometimes I think I died in my sleep six or so years ago and awoke in this other dimension where people actually talk to each other and listen and maybe even care a little. I wouldn’t call it Heaven…in fact, it can often seem more like hell for me. I’m not saying that living and knowing and loving people has to completely suck…but it can…because it’s hard. I should know, as for most of my life I didn’t really care about or love anyone…I was in “my” world…where it felt safe and in control and nobody could get close to me and I didn’t have to be vulnerable and I didn’t have to care and nobody could hurt me. I was doing what I wanted to do and enjoying the things I wanted to enjoy and I was starting a family and I was scared and depressed and the hole in my soul was so large I wanted to blow the rest of me away with one of the many guns I purchased in order to help me feel safe. My soul felt dead…and I wanted to join it. And, I didn’t.

With nothing to lose and no clue to what I’d gain, I reached out to what I’d been told would save me…”The Church.” Well, that didn’t go as well as I had hoped, but I did meet a man…a man who would later help me through my shadows and encourage me and love me through the wound the church had given us both. He wasn’t Jesus…but he helped me to see what Jesus was and what Jesus stood for and he spoke to my soul and to my bitterness and to my wounds. I found a friend…and he could see in me what I could not see in myself. I became awake to what truth is. I became awake to “my” truth. I felt a calling that was simply selfish…I wanted everyone to know that the world we live in DOES NOT HAVE TO SUCK…and I came out of my shell and started listening…listening to what my soul had been telling me for years and years. I started to see beauty in the world. A flower became a poetic novel…the sunrise my friend…the sunset an epic film…the evening my lover. I came awake to the world I once wanted to leave. Everything was different. Everything was the same. I had found Love. 

“The Calling,” the first in this seven part series on Creating Space, comes from this man’s calling and the life I have lived and the life I am living…as from it comes the beauty and pain that is my creativity. My call is to reach outside myself, stretch, step into something greater than myself. I listen. I follow. It’s hard. It’s beauty. It’s pain. 

Creating the space we Journeyer’s worship in, pray in, be in community together in, is a gift…a gift I treasure and curse daily. This series will speak to the journey into creativity and what that might look like in creating space for worship and prayer. I invite you along…ready go!

On Pentecost Sunday, the Journey community participated in a long prayer and discernment exercise in which we tried to feel into what God is doing in each of us, and how that can flow from us into our life together as a faith community. After praying about, thinking about, and talking about our gifts on Sunday, this week in Refractions we continue the process. Today, we share the gift of poetry.

"Gifts" by Rhonda Marie Cote'

There are those who have Gifts
People who use Gifts
People who destroy Gifts
People who need Gifts
People who want Gifts
And then there are people who share Gifts

"The Gift" by Chinh Do

The gift is the gift of work.
Without working, there is no gift.
Gift only comes when work is done.
Therefore, no work means no gift.

"Gifts" by Caitlin Diamond

maybe all i
have
to give
is
a tangle of 
black
and 
white
words on
this page

or Rory and Lorelei 
speed-talking to
my mother
(and me)

perhaps
i should cook
(like he said)
or do laundry

but
in the deepdown
mud of me

i want to give
what i
need

and how
would i hand
a wind kiss on my shoulder
the green of a leaf
to a stranger

the blue in my fingernails
or a laugh on her red lips?

i could make bracelets
or spread 
me 
around
(if that’s
enough)

i suppose
i should
ask
what they need
first.

On Pentecost Sunday, the Journey community participated in a long prayer and discernment exercise in which we tried to feel into what God is doing in each of us, and how that can flow from us into our life together as a faith community. After praying about, thinking about, and talking about our gifts on Sunday, this week in Refractions we continue the process.

They say the best things in life are free. Certainly there are boundless gifts from God surrounding us and within us -- and not a price tag in sight. Consider:

a sunrise
laughter
a child's hug
wildflowers
listening
a good night's sleep
being present
a beautiful melody
a smile
love, love, love

Consider this, as well. How do these intangible gifts lead to tangible benefits? Maybe an act of kindness started a business, or a joke launched a career. Maybe sharing a memory inspired a child's creativity, or a bird in flight inspired an inventor. As we share these gifts with one another, there are countless intangible benefits as well. Maybe your patience with other drivers in rush hour prevented a car accident. Maybe complimenting the cashier's hair brightened her day. Maybe simply holding someone's hand when they were sad brought them a measure of peace. 

We may not get to see for ourselves the results of these intangible gifts, but as we move through the world -- both giving and receiving -- we trust that God will find ways to use everything we do. For free.

On Pentecost Sunday, the Journey community participated in a long prayer and discernment exercise in which we tried to feel into what God is doing in each of us, and how that can flow from us into our life together as a faith community. After praying about, thinking about, and talking about our gifts on Sunday, this week in Refractions we continue the process.

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame."  ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God."  ~Eleanor Powell

"The Lord loveth a cheerful giver. He also accepteth from a grouch."  ~Catherine Hall