The death of my mother happened recently. She was almost 95 years old. I and two of my four sisters were with her when she finally got rid of her worn-out body. I had learned from depth psychology that the second-born child carries the unconscious pain and desires of the parents, especially the mother. Being the second born, I was always aware of what my mother was feeling ~ even when she was not aware of what she was feeling. So, I was curious about what it would be like when she no longer inhabited her once-lovely body. 

This is what happened. A few hours after Mom passed, I became aware of a space inside my chest. I had never experienced this space. I could breathe a little more deeply and freely. It was the strangest thing. There was a new and unanticipated freedom inside of me. I no longer was feeling her unconscious pain and desires. She was free of them and so was I.

Although I missed her presence, I was truly happy for her to be free to move on as she had wanted to for such a long time. She had always taught us about Jesus and Heaven. She had taken us to Lutheran elementary school and church. We prayed before and after meals and at bedtime. She often hummed hymns as she did her housework. Yet here was the stark fact that her body lay there on the bed but she was ~~~ gone. I had always believed in Heaven but now I just have a hope that Heaven really does exist. Strange to doubt Heaven for the first time. 

As may be evident by now, I am still processing this passage of the most influential person in my life. I had never doubted the existence of Heaven before Mom died. I wonder what other lifelong beliefs are being shaken up in this new land of orphanhood.