This I know is true:
- everyone is broken
- everyone has a story
- nobody has it all together
- nobody has the perfect life
How many times have you met
someone who just seemed to have it all together…attractive, great personality,
nice car, perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect children…only to find out
later that they struggle with depression or sex or addiction or divorce or
bankruptcy or abuse or…fill in the blank. Everyone has a struggle.
My story is long and my struggles many. The dark places come up when I’m alone…vulnerable and without the convenience of distraction. I want love. I want to love. I worry. I cry. I hide it from you. I do my work. I’m imperfect. If I’m going to create a space where people come to worship…seeking God and God’s people and God’s love…I have to know who I am. I have to know that the place I’m coming from is true. I owe that to God. I owe that to you.
Letting go of my fear and
attachments to what you will think about the space you walk into on Sunday
morning is critical for me to stay true to myself and my calling. I create to
please God, not to please you. If I’m holding energy and attachment around what
you will think or if you will be moved or if you will see or find God...I’m
giving my power to you for you to decide who and what I am. If you don’t like
Journey, you don’t like me. If you don’t like the colors, I’m a failure. If it
looks stupid, I’m so dumb. If you’re unhappy, I am such a loser. The message I
hear is the message I allow myself to create out of the fear and attachment I’m
holding. I have to let go and trust and know it is good.
I know that I’m pretty good
at screwing up just about everything I just talked about in that last
paragraph. I own it. I do that…and often. I also know that I have full control
of my universe...not yours or his or hers…but mine. When I became aware of how
my fear and attachments control me and therefore the world around me…I came
awake to the possibility of me being able to call things in…into my life…bad
things AND good things. I started calling in the things I wanted…instead of
complaining about the things I had. For example, I found that my energy toward
worship was going off the rails. I was bitching and complaining because the
worship team was telling me what to do and I felt like they were sucking all
the fun and creativity right out of it. The truth is, I was calling it in…I was
sucking all the fun and creativity out of it…out of me. I was the one telling
myself I couldn’t be creative. I was the one calling in the energy of the “I
can’t” and the “this sucks.” So, I realized that I was calling it in…and with
that realization alone, change came. I began calling in positive energy by
letting go of my attachment to blaming my problems and my wants and my creativity
on the worship team. I let it go and gave myself permission to be creative
again. It worked. I said yes. I called it in.
I’m just a guy trying to follow Jesus. I don’t have the answers. I love you. That’s it.